Starting over is not always easy when you have been in hell and trying to return to planet earth.
Even if I do find myself sad, lonely and depressed I somehow always find my way around trying new things to get back on track. So this time I´m going to start with myself, what will make me feel good about myself, trying to find that self confidence that I have never really had.
Basically what I’m going to do is use my design competence to design a new me, trying to leave out what everyone else thinks this is all about me. Feeling comfortable with who I am.
So starting out I have been using the things I got at home and making a list about things I like to change.
Growing up I have always been a tomboy but now I feel that I want to grow in to a women on the outside but to keep the best parts of being a tomboy.
I like to change the way I think about stuff so that I can simplify my own life and start growing in new directions instead of always being so hooked up on small things.
I need to start to think like a business women when it comes to running my company I believe I have the skills to do it but I really need to work on my will to wake up in the morning to do so.
Finding the things I love and surround me of those, together with changes in my thinking and appearance, and medicine, doctors and other organizations I do have a chance to get some satisfaction in this life and if I can´t do it now then I will probably never be able to do it since I have never had so many things surrounding me that can help like now.
Might this be my last chance, and I will fight like it is.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
the worse day ever!!
I fuking hate my life , I even hate that I hate it. What ever I do it seems that life and people love to make it complicated for me. I really do believe that my life is just an experiment in how long a person can live throw slowly being suffocated by their own people.
There is days when I long to just die and today is a day like that, I tried to go out today for the first time in almost two weeks but when I got home I found a letter that just wanted to make me burn.
I don’t know how to get all this anger out of my system all I want is to hurt even more and just fall asleep and never wake up again. I don’t get mad at people anymore I just get mad at myself , I feel like I´m just wrong and even if someone is being bad to me I take the responsibility for it and I know it. The thing is that I can probably try to change my life a thousand times but without the help from the outside world I will make a social suicide and ruin my self.
I have never been this strong before, when you have the cans to just end the suffering but you don’t cuz you give up for the feelings of others I don’t know if that just makes me stupid or what.
My bad addiction of pain comes back to me cuz I want the pain to just come out. I want to hurt myself more than ever but I know I have to stop because there is no one willing to save me.
11 years of pain is finally catching up to me and I’m willing to surrender.
There is days when I long to just die and today is a day like that, I tried to go out today for the first time in almost two weeks but when I got home I found a letter that just wanted to make me burn.
I don’t know how to get all this anger out of my system all I want is to hurt even more and just fall asleep and never wake up again. I don’t get mad at people anymore I just get mad at myself , I feel like I´m just wrong and even if someone is being bad to me I take the responsibility for it and I know it. The thing is that I can probably try to change my life a thousand times but without the help from the outside world I will make a social suicide and ruin my self.
I have never been this strong before, when you have the cans to just end the suffering but you don’t cuz you give up for the feelings of others I don’t know if that just makes me stupid or what.
My bad addiction of pain comes back to me cuz I want the pain to just come out. I want to hurt myself more than ever but I know I have to stop because there is no one willing to save me.
11 years of pain is finally catching up to me and I’m willing to surrender.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Episode 3
Dear readers
Today no sun is shining outside my window. I feel so depressed right now but I feel that I really have to focus on finishing things, like paining the house, sell some more things etc.
I have this pain in my arms today probably because I did too much things yesterday that I´m not supposed to do. I´m not supposed to stay in the same work position for too long or that will lead me to pain but I don’t always feel it directly.
It’s a feeling I can´t really describe it´s not like normal pain you get after a work out or something like that it´s more like a cramp.
I try to eat magnesium because some people say that will help me but so far I haven’t felt the difference that much.
Got a new letter from the doctor yesterday, they want me to come to take a look at my heart, lungs and inside I think. Not what I had in mind for a Tuesday morning but I guess I just have to like it.
We will see what happens.
I’m working on a room in the house where I can just relax, A white room but I have to use the things I have at home since I don’t have money to buy anything right now but I hope that the company will bring in some more money soon since I really need to get a few things to the winter.
I need to get a bathtub and a walking machine it´s all so my body won´t go and collapse when the season changes. I already have problems with going outside so it would be good to be able to do it at home, I do think that it could make miracles for me and besides I need to lose some weight before I get on to much. I already have gained 10 kg since just 6 months or so it doesn’t show that much but I guess I have to take control before it gets too far and my body would probably not feel better then.
The bathtub is just for the heat, warm water really heals my body and its only in water that I feel no pain.
Now the question is if I can fix it before the winter is here , when I don’t even have money to pay for the heat in the house, I really need some magic.
Xoxox
Mia
Today no sun is shining outside my window. I feel so depressed right now but I feel that I really have to focus on finishing things, like paining the house, sell some more things etc.
I have this pain in my arms today probably because I did too much things yesterday that I´m not supposed to do. I´m not supposed to stay in the same work position for too long or that will lead me to pain but I don’t always feel it directly.
It’s a feeling I can´t really describe it´s not like normal pain you get after a work out or something like that it´s more like a cramp.
I try to eat magnesium because some people say that will help me but so far I haven’t felt the difference that much.
Got a new letter from the doctor yesterday, they want me to come to take a look at my heart, lungs and inside I think. Not what I had in mind for a Tuesday morning but I guess I just have to like it.
We will see what happens.
I’m working on a room in the house where I can just relax, A white room but I have to use the things I have at home since I don’t have money to buy anything right now but I hope that the company will bring in some more money soon since I really need to get a few things to the winter.
I need to get a bathtub and a walking machine it´s all so my body won´t go and collapse when the season changes. I already have problems with going outside so it would be good to be able to do it at home, I do think that it could make miracles for me and besides I need to lose some weight before I get on to much. I already have gained 10 kg since just 6 months or so it doesn’t show that much but I guess I have to take control before it gets too far and my body would probably not feel better then.
The bathtub is just for the heat, warm water really heals my body and its only in water that I feel no pain.
Now the question is if I can fix it before the winter is here , when I don’t even have money to pay for the heat in the house, I really need some magic.
Xoxox
Mia
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Episode 2
A New start
SO here I am again sitting on my ass doing nothing again , so how do I go from doing nothing to doing at least something.
I guess the straight in my body has left me and I have no choice then to use medicine to help me stay on the ground here.
So this is what you need to know, a few moths a go a investigation started on my so called “sickness” they have rolled out rheumatism and now they are looking for something like fibromyalgia.
I find myself so tired of life and the pain that always surrounds me and keeping the smile on my face is not easy.
I´m trying to get a new start. little by little, changing the things in my life to get to where I want to be. It´s really important that I can get to my high goals to feel the satisfaction of life again.
Trying to catch the day and the last moths of light before summer is totally gone and the world goes back to its creepy dark cold silence.
I started my own company, since I can´t have a normal job anymore it feels lonely to work alone all days but at the same time it makes me the master of my own time and if I have pain I can just stay in bed if I wish to.
I also moved to a house on the country side its less stress here and I actually feel more free from the obligation to be just like everyone else. I hate that people compare people I believe that we all do that even if we can´t see it. I just what to be my own person.
I struggle to keep up with my active life style, I love to work on the house always making things better but I have to say that is really heavy on my body and I can´t catch a breath sometimes but I keep trying. After all I have to keep making life interesting.
I long to go on a bike ride before summer ends but it frightens me to. The pain and depression makes me so blind from the beauty that one can find just outside the door.
Today I will try to finish something in the house and sell some more stuff, money is really running out and I´m scared that I have to move again that would be the 4th time this year but when winter comes I have to have money to pay the bills. It is also expensive to go to the doctor all the time and trying all this medicines.
I ask you all to stay with me on this blog, maybe it’s your first time to read this but to write is also a medicine. I hope that whoever you are and what ever life your live, you don’t forget how important you are, even if you don´t know it yet.
Xoxo
Mia
SO here I am again sitting on my ass doing nothing again , so how do I go from doing nothing to doing at least something.
I guess the straight in my body has left me and I have no choice then to use medicine to help me stay on the ground here.
So this is what you need to know, a few moths a go a investigation started on my so called “sickness” they have rolled out rheumatism and now they are looking for something like fibromyalgia.
I find myself so tired of life and the pain that always surrounds me and keeping the smile on my face is not easy.
I´m trying to get a new start. little by little, changing the things in my life to get to where I want to be. It´s really important that I can get to my high goals to feel the satisfaction of life again.
Trying to catch the day and the last moths of light before summer is totally gone and the world goes back to its creepy dark cold silence.
I started my own company, since I can´t have a normal job anymore it feels lonely to work alone all days but at the same time it makes me the master of my own time and if I have pain I can just stay in bed if I wish to.
I also moved to a house on the country side its less stress here and I actually feel more free from the obligation to be just like everyone else. I hate that people compare people I believe that we all do that even if we can´t see it. I just what to be my own person.
I struggle to keep up with my active life style, I love to work on the house always making things better but I have to say that is really heavy on my body and I can´t catch a breath sometimes but I keep trying. After all I have to keep making life interesting.
I long to go on a bike ride before summer ends but it frightens me to. The pain and depression makes me so blind from the beauty that one can find just outside the door.
Today I will try to finish something in the house and sell some more stuff, money is really running out and I´m scared that I have to move again that would be the 4th time this year but when winter comes I have to have money to pay the bills. It is also expensive to go to the doctor all the time and trying all this medicines.
I ask you all to stay with me on this blog, maybe it’s your first time to read this but to write is also a medicine. I hope that whoever you are and what ever life your live, you don’t forget how important you are, even if you don´t know it yet.
Xoxo
Mia
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