Dear reader

Soo afther falling down over and over again i kind of found myself in trying to just breath and be alive...
Life is soo hard when all you deal with is disappointment... i know i made my own bed but how ever life kind of turns on me from time to time....

Anyway here is the thing im soon selebrating my birth day and realising that i have lived what culd be half of my life....a third of my life i spent with a man that one day decided to become a wight lifter and decided to prioritize powder shakes and testosteron instead of the things like famaly and botel milk....soo i got depressed and took of and left.....instead i got in to famaly buissnes ohh lovley famlay a dad that dont know what hes doing a brother that thinks he knows everything another brother that thinks he can be a "boss" a poor mother that tries to get everyone to get along and me.... and what am i.....

i guess im trying to pleas everyone but now in this "new" life im finally seeing clearly realising that my brother havent been in my home ever since i moved from home my other brother that promised me to help me move in to my new apartment but decided that he didnt want to,  leting me carry all of my stuff up 4 stairs alone okay soo i askd my dad for help with the big things but...he has bad knees soo i feelt guilty to have to ask him..... do i need to tell you that in all of this my health is not the best either....

in all of this mess ofcourse i had to fall in love again and like always the guys i meet there is always some sort of problem....and this one loves to hang out on awsome webbsites that i probably shuldne mention here maybe i will blow up hes perfekt little online life and i wuld not like to do that now wuld i :)

soo if your still reading your probably thinking im a diva or maybe wierdo, or maybe something else you have in your vocabulary of "totally fake words i have to use"  but you know what when my dad asked me the other thay why i cant just be normal my answer is simpley f*** it you know what , hate me if you like, screw my life up if you like and pleas do tell me how to live my life but ever expect me to listen.

This world is fake , we put in fake b**s , we have fake lifes and all are trying to be the same in a world of normal what ever that means but im soo sorry but your probably living in somethign fake right now....either your husband is f*** someone with out you knowing it or your famaly hides the sicret of a drug problem or similar maybe your adopted and dont know or maybe your having a sickness and trying to pretend that all is okay and soo on....oh yes i culd do this forever.....

soo if your still reading your probably thinking that im a negative person, and...
YES i am cuz i know reality and im sorry to spoil your day but somethimes its better to exept a horrible truth then to live in something fake. Believe it or not but i feel better once i eccepted that life is what it is.

thats it for now....sorry if my spelling is bad lol....

Day 5

The stitches are gone!!!. : ) things are starting of good at my 100 days of change now we are at day 5 and things are looking good. I have been cleaning out old stuff and trying to finish my Webb shop.
Their still a long way to go but today is a day when I can feel the light in the end of the tunnel even if I can’t really see it yet I know that it’s there.
I started to write on my book the other day and its going well, its a book I have been thinking of writhing for so long but it just never happened before.
I’m working on finishing my bedroom, so that I can get a place to just relax in all of this.
It’s a nice afternoon and I have just burned 96 calories on my walking machine but tomorrow we will try to do burn even more.
Later my friend will come to help me with the website and I told him I really needed hes help,I know I have to run my own business but sometimes I do need to ask for help or I will be put in the earth long before I even see my dream torch a piece of reality.
So I’m going off to seize the day since tomorrow we don’t know how I feel see you!
PS. Pictures from the operation in coming so stay close to be disgusted ewwwwww!
xoxox
Mia

DAY 1

Starting of the 100 days change is all about me, finding what makes me feel good and make a plan for what’s to come. I know I have to focus on sorting out old things trying to move on with my life and too stop being so connected to material things , finishing the house is something I have longed to do its like building up my fortress where I can feel safe and just relax, take care of the company and making shore I stick to plan is really important that I make this company work it has always been my dream but knowing that I’m not good with ending things I started I have to decide and realize that I have to finish things I start to move on in life.
Well today I get to book an appointment with the doctor so the stiches are going out. Can´t think about any better way to start of the 100 days.

I also have some goals to write down and trying to make them is important to me even if I can´t find the straight to do it, I know I have to try. I am scared that my life will end up on the couch lonely and depressed if I don’t do something now. Some people say that the world ends 2012 I don’t know what is worse, to die knowing that you never even tired or try and die knowing that you did make the most of the time you had and even if you died you learned something. I guess I’m already kind of dead and now start the running for freedom and I need to keep my eyes on the price.

feeling like a carved chicken & life is ironic

Dear planet earth,
I’m now waking up to the sound of a snoring man next Dorr, and having panic attacks in the morning has never been the best start of the day. It´s now 5.38 in the morning and I’m up to go to the city to see my doctor again.
Today I´m going to try to talk to him about fibromyalgia and how I can get economic help due to my condition.
Las night just before I went to sleep I had a total melt down, all troubles in the world suddenly came to the surface and I now understand how f***ked I really am.
I know that I have to solve my economic situation to feel better but since I can´t have a normal job this calls only for putting my faith into the system of sick insurances.
Yesterday I started with a new face product and at first I was thinking that it might not help me at all to feel better depending on how I look but I have to say that I was wrong , even do last night and this morning has been a little unstable I realized that when I looked in the mirror something was different. I have been using a product from sascco, with alovera and my blemished face is changing. I feel like the red ness has already started to disappear and I only used it once.
The product from sascco can be very expensive and not anything that suits my economy but I was lucky to get a starter kit for free. If you haven’t tried the sascco products you really should it might be expensive but I believe that I have never in my life gotten so fast effect on any similar product and besides its better to get a product that works then spend a lot of money on different once that doesn’t. I will definitely try to use this product even if it costs me a bit instead I try to use the small amount and try not to use more than necessary.
I will keep you updated with the skin change and post you pictures :)

As I finally came to the doctor this morning it turned out that I was lucky and they had decided to cut in to my muscle. Not what I expected and as I lied their on the operating table feeling like a carved chicken I realized something, I really am growing up and I did a long time ago but lying their alone with this two strangers digging in to my leg I felt like screaming and crying , but I didn´t , I took a deep breath and just let them do it. It was probably good that I didn’t know what was coming but the point is that I did it all alone without anyone to support me. I have to say that the doctors where great I know that a lot of people treat me like a child when I enter the room since I´m really short and can look a lot younger then I am but I understood that I don’t need to be afraid of all this strangers, I have to believe that they will do their jobs correct and most of all I have to realize that if I put aside the bad foghts that one doctor given me all those years ago I can get a lot of the help I need.
Finally I sit here in the couch with 5 or six stitches in my leg while the small piece of muscle they stole from me is on its way to a lab somewhere. So now we wait and see, let the healing start.


Hi guys!
So I haven’t been writing in a while now and I’m sorry about that but after what happened the last time at the hospital I have had troubles with walking and my muscle is still healing. However, ironically my walking machine arrived the other day. Life is changing but I really what it to change faster so after a lot of planning I start to realize that I need to set a goal to get it done faster.
People say it´s impossible to change your life over one night, maybe it is how ever I´m planning a 100 days change. It’s a challenge that I have never done before and due to my condition its probably not the best thing to do but I’m getting tired of life and just sitting here waiting for it to start is not going to get me anywhere. I have a lot to overcome if I want to change but like I have said earlier it feels like it has to happen now, if it doesn’t happen this year then I might as well go hang myself.
SO today the planning starts and I know I have to heal my leg before I can start anything for real but I’m going to try it anyway cuz if I die tomorrow I will regret that I didn´t.
Pain or no pain I just have to get throw it , the pain that awaits me if I do nothing is worse even if that is hard to see right now but that’s what I have to keep in mind.
Xoxo
M.I.A

Might this be my last chance

Starting over is not always easy when you have been in hell and trying to return to planet earth.
Even if I do find myself sad, lonely and depressed I somehow always find my way around trying new things to get back on track. So this time I´m going to start with myself, what will make me feel good about myself, trying to find that self confidence that I have never really had.
Basically what I’m going to do is use my design competence to design a new me, trying to leave out what everyone else thinks this is all about me. Feeling comfortable with who I am.
So starting out I have been using the things I got at home and making a list about things I like to change.
Growing up I have always been a tomboy but now I feel that I want to grow in to a women on the outside but to keep the best parts of being a tomboy.
I like to change the way I think about stuff so that I can simplify my own life and start growing in new directions instead of always being so hooked up on small things.
I need to start to think like a business women when it comes to running my company I believe I have the skills to do it but I really need to work on my will to wake up in the morning to do so.
Finding the things I love and surround me of those, together with changes in my thinking and appearance, and medicine, doctors and other organizations I do have a chance to get some satisfaction in this life and if I can´t do it now then I will probably never be able to do it since I have never had so many things surrounding me that can help like now.
Might this be my last chance, and I will fight like it is.

the worse day ever!!

I fuking hate my life , I even hate that I hate it. What ever I do it seems that life and people love to make it complicated for me. I really do believe that my life is just an experiment in how long a person can live throw slowly being suffocated by their own people.
There is days when I long to just die and today is a day like that, I tried to go out today for the first time in almost two weeks but when I got home I found a letter that just wanted to make me burn.
I don’t know how to get all this anger out of my system all I want is to hurt even more and just fall asleep and never wake up again. I don’t get mad at people anymore I just get mad at myself , I feel like I´m just wrong and even if someone is being bad to me I take the responsibility for it and I know it. The thing is that I can probably try to change my life a thousand times but without the help from the outside world I will make a social suicide and ruin my self.
I have never been this strong before, when you have the cans to just end the suffering but you don’t cuz you give up for the feelings of others I don’t know if that just makes me stupid or what.
My bad addiction of pain comes back to me cuz I want the pain to just come out. I want to hurt myself more than ever but I know I have to stop because there is no one willing to save me.
11 years of pain is finally catching up to me and I’m willing to surrender.

Episode 3

Dear readers
Today no sun is shining outside my window. I feel so depressed right now but I feel that I really have to focus on finishing things, like paining the house, sell some more things etc.
I have this pain in my arms today probably because I did too much things yesterday that I´m not supposed to do. I´m not supposed to stay in the same work position for too long or that will lead me to pain but I don’t always feel it directly.
It’s a feeling I can´t really describe it´s not like normal pain you get after a work out or something like that it´s more like a cramp.
I try to eat magnesium because some people say that will help me but so far I haven’t felt the difference that much.
Got a new letter from the doctor yesterday, they want me to come to take a look at my heart, lungs and inside I think. Not what I had in mind for a Tuesday morning but I guess I just have to like it.
We will see what happens.
I’m working on a room in the house where I can just relax, A white room but I have to use the things I have at home since I don’t have money to buy anything right now but I hope that the company will bring in some more money soon since I really need to get a few things to the winter.
I need to get a bathtub and a walking machine it´s all so my body won´t go and collapse when the season changes. I already have problems with going outside so it would be good to be able to do it at home, I do think that it could make miracles for me and besides I need to lose some weight before I get on to much. I already have gained 10 kg since just 6 months or so it doesn’t show that much but I guess I have to take control before it gets too far and my body would probably not feel better then.
The bathtub is just for the heat, warm water really heals my body and its only in water that I feel no pain.
Now the question is if I can fix it before the winter is here , when I don’t even have money to pay for the heat in the house, I really need some magic.
Xoxox
Mia